I am not your sunshine. I will become your worst fucking nightmare. I am a tsunami tearing across the shore. I am coming to reclaim what is mine, only incidentally destroying you in the process. You do not survive, and we are all free, finally, finally, finally.
After the storm settles, a quiet stillness fills your absence in a hazy reverence. You will never find what you were looking for. You will never do this again.
Slowly, gently, softly, I can breathe.
incredulous
spectacle
detrimental
sacrificial
murderous, malicious
haphazard
infinitesimal
hypocritical
indeterminable
passivity
effervescence
with dogged abandon
with reckless intent
"spirited" (derogatory)
a fleeting respite from an otherwise overwhelmingly evil journey
as this chapter closes, i think i should be qualified to be a proctologist considering the years of experience caring for, managing, nurturing, and attempting to heal an asshole.
"you are almost touching god,"
she whispers.
twenty-four become
forty-eight becomes
time to come home.
you know better.
i chose empty,
dissembling.
hands seek answers,
body shrouds herself
in winter.
i know better.
i chose richness,
lush, lusty life.
swallow my youth,
wrest need from needy.
"you were almost touching god,"
she whispers.
pacify her:
twenty-four becomes
time to come home.
she knows better.
i chose steady,
free from dissension.
she leaves me only
when my neuroses befriend this brain.
i see god in my rearview mirror,
and she waves
goodbye.
"good girl."
the words shiver before they touch down,
unearthing jagged thoughts:
a brush of the arm,
turns into begging
please
please, please
stop.
"good girl."
do you remember what i am trying to forget?
can you sleep?
when my nightmare turns into your dream,
can you sleep?
the cadence of sighs
coupled with
the remains of my spirit.
are you satisfied?
"good girl."
just a taste,
just a tease.
ruin and raze my untainted rays
with abandon.
no light left to guide the way home.
i'll keep your secret,
if i can be yours.
black coffee breakfast and
lemon water lunch,
chew a pack of gum and call it dinner.
you don't want it enough.
i miss the aching bones,
all angles no flesh.
maybe if i look like a child i'll never have
to grow up.
twisting & gnawing & shrinking
i need to be better.
i need to be thinner.
i want to disappear.
cold bathroom floor matches my
cold skin cold heart i'm so numb
i'm so numb.
vomit splashes back in my face,
and i deserve it.
maybe one day i will laugh
at how i hid
a decomposed soul with
a decomposing body.
it was never about the food.
"do you know what happens to bad girls?"
masked fear, exposed body
equally bound by ropes and guilt.
anger befriends arousal,
deep purple imprints my skin.
spilt milk or soiled lace:
never a reason to cry.
losing breath while losing virtue,
strong hands grasp
as he asks,
"what are you?"
choke out the words
one
by
one.
filthy: desecrated, nasty, impure woman.
worthless: disposable, unimportant, useless woman.
slut: not his wife.
with hazy vision,
i mistake dinner for damnation
swallow delusions of control
to bury the pain.
with shaking fingers,
i scour my skin
scrub away fragments of reality
to soften the guilt.
with acid in my throat,
i let myself cry
gasping for life
to grieve the death of my past.
i hope i drown in these tears.
......................................................
my mind severed ties with my body a long time ago
every minute i have a choice of growing or shrinking and i really just want to go back to what i know. i have never really tried and if i don't try then i can't fail
boundless is so much scarier than concrete physical goals
......................................................
one day this will all be behind me and everything will be so good and i will love being alive
one day my mom won't hate me and she'll be proud of me and accept me exactly as i am
one day i won't be so afraid
one day i'm going to die
i'm scared of what i will leave behind
i want out of this body i want out of this brain
i want to pull my stomach through my flesh and turn myself inside out.
i want everyone to see.
my eyes glaze over
hair falls out
fingernails become claws and i
scratch my way out of this body.
it is not my home.
